So this is the new year

Trying to ward off the sads. Something about the beginning of the new year, it gives people endless opportunities. To me though, it's just so cold and sad.

I tried to keep my thoughts in a good place. I took down the Christmas tree and packed away all the holiday decorations. Back to normal I suppose.

I also made the mistake of standing on a scale. What I saw, needless to say, shocked and disgusted me. But instead of crying about it or eating my way past it (ha!), I unburied my sneakers from out of the closet, drove the the park and walked around the track a couple of times. I could've stopped after one go 'round. There was ice all over. But I went around twice. Just to prove to myself that I could. And it felt good. It felt like a big "Fuck You" to the voice I am so used to hearing. The one that makes excuses. The one that can never admit fault or own anything I've done that's ever been less than perfect. A cruel reality check that I took control over. I walked. I breathed in the cold air. I persevered.

Now I sit here in a dark bedroom. Purposely so I can be alone for a little while. And the mommy guilt strikes again. I feel bad for leaving my son in the other room with my husband. But I feel more like I need a little alone time. For my own sanity. For my own reminder that I exist too. In a bigger context. And that I am someone worth improving. Someone worth being better for.